Finding my place...

Over the last week I have been trying to get myself inspired; trying to find my place in life.I struggle with being a stay at home wife, I can't have children so it's not like I'm preparing to be a mom. Sometimes I think that my husband and I made a wrong decision when we chose for me to leave my job. Is there something that I should be doing, is there a career that would make me happier? Is the really the place that I am supposed to be in? While trying to find my place I felt myself gravitating toward organizations that help others, that teach others, that provide comfort for others... so I thought to myself  "there is a higher power that is trying to tell me something here".. I took a step outside of my life for a second and just took a peek inside. For some reason I decided to second guess fate, as if I really had the power to change what fate has decided for me..
Upon a moment of reflection I asked myself that soul-searching question that we all ask ourselves at times "what have I accomplished?". Since leaving my "job" last November I have started my own business and with that I have reignited a passion that hasn't been seen for a very long time. Then I asked myself an even tougher question "am I successful?" this question was honestly really hard for me to answer... I've sold some of my art work, I've donated some, given some away to friends and family and even thrown away a few things that we're...well... let's just say failed experiments. Do I make any money doing it, honestly...no. I am deeper in the hole financially that I was when I started. So why am I so happy? I'm not famous, I don't have money or power. I have an education, I will be paying for it for the rest of my life... but, did I need it to do what I'm doing now? probably not. So what do I have? Love. Plain and simple. I love what I do and I feel that a little piece of that love gets sealed up in each piece that I create.Sometimes when I have too much love it spills out and takes the embodiment of the charitable work that I do. In the last 6 months I've turned my business "passionately pink for the cure", organized a shoe drive to provide those without an opportunity a chance to break free, I've donated and an still fund raising for disaster relief, I'm still raising money for breast cancer awareness, and recently I've started taking myself in another direction and researching a partnership with another charitable organization that helps women in war torn counties...
I realized that this is my calling, this is my place in life. The days I feel the best in life are,'t the ones that are about me. It's the days that I announce to people I want your old shoes and they respond with 100 pairs. It's the days that I say I'm donating half of the profits to breast cancer research and someone gives me all they can or says that they want to support me any way possible. It's the day that I see someone made a donation in my honor or the day that my spare change makes a difference in someone's life. It's the day I tell my husband "I want the 11 year old dog from the shelter" and he just shakes his head and smiles.
After 27 years, I have finally found my place in life and in the words of Oprah, "It lights you up and lets you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be". I finally feel that I am where I'm supposed to be!

Flying by the seat of my pants...

Have you ever had the feeling that nothing in your life was in your control? The last couple of months have really started to take a toll on me. I'm a very "Type A" person and I pretty much have a plan for everything, I live my life by check lists and I plan events out months in advance... well when my husband came home a few weeks ago and said "ummm honey, I'm pretty sure we're moving to California..." I think I had a mini stroke!! His company is being bought out by a larger one and the parent company is based in California. Every day I badger him for more information and I'm starting to annoy myself... It's like my life is on hold until I hear some snippet of information. I'm holding my breath waiting for the news and I am pretty sure that I'm a rather unhealthy shade of purple by now!
This anticipation has an effect on every aspect of my life, literally. I find myself wondering random stuff like: should I stock up on groceries? can I pack that cake pan? Is it too early to pack away the guest room? Then there's the big questions like: when will we go? where will we live? how do I find doctors for us and our dogs? I think that I might be making myself a little bit crazy but I just can't live without a plan!!
All of this craziness is not really conducive to being creative... I've really been struggling with starting new projects and I'm super hesitant to buy new supplies, because what happens when I have to pack it all up? Heaven forbid I have to put something in a box that isn't ready to transport... and then the more worrisome aspect; how will I find it after we get settled??
Adding insult to injury, our newest family member Toby is having some medical issues. I made the decision to schedule him for surgery (he had it on tuesday) to remove a couple of "masses" from his body. One, the size of a baseball from his chest and another, the size of a gum ball from his head. Currently they are out to the lab being tested and I am nervously awaiting results. During all of this chaos he also had some x-rays taken and the vet discovered that he has a kidney stone...I feel so bad for my poor little old dog! So far he is doing great with his recovery. He's a trooper. I, on the other hand am like the nervous parent of a newborn... trying to protect his stitches, making sure he doesn't play too hard with our other dog and of course awaiting the news on the test results.
All of this has left me with the feeling that I am precariously flying by the seat of my pants and the safety net is nowhere to be seen...My philosophy in life is that you are meant to learn lessons, the lesson here: close your eyes, don't look down and wait for the net.... it has to be there...right?
...and for the record, it was too early to pack the cake pan, I just opened 8 boxes trying to find the darn thing!

Book-keeping

I seriously hate math... I am generally super organized and pretty obnoxiously on top of stuff however, when it comes to taking care of my accounting... I avoid it like the plague!! I still have to close out the books for March and I haven't even started on April...I have the greatest spreadsheet and everything is color-coded and easy to use and I am currently looking at my stack of receipts for the last two months and procrastinating in any way possible. I find this humorous because I am using the book-keeping as an excuse to not get on the treadmill and the blog as an excuse to not do the book-keeping! ...slowly I am running out of excuses and will eventually have to accomplish both tasks tonight.

This Sunday I ran my first ever long race, a 12k and part of the reason that I am avoiding the treadmill... I have been training since the beginning of the year; it's the whole reason that I bought my treadmill. I was so terrified going into that morning that I wouldn't finish or that I couldn't finish it. I have had a year of firsts: first time I ever quit a job without having another one, first time I ever opened a business of my own, it's still my first year of marriage, and it's my first year of long distance running. 

I really have my husband to thank for this new found self confidence. He inspired me to believe in myself and to reach for something that I have always dreamed of. He tolerates my random spurts of self doubt; will my business be successful? Will anyone actually like my work? will I continue to be able to continue to find inspiration to create art? will I make it to the finish line? and most of all am I strong enough?

strength can be looked at in many ways; physical, mental, emotional... something that I have learned in the last few months is that we are all stronger than we know and when faced with a challenge of mind body or spirit we can achieve great things! 

this quote is such an inspiration to me:

‎"Man is so made, that whenever anything fires his soul, impossibilities vanish." -La Fontaine

...now if only I could find that inspiration to balance my books...